ohlies

ohlies @ 2010-01-01T15:16:00

2010-01-01T20:16:13Z

this year I took out my nipple rings, quit smoking, vowed to whiten my teeth and started exercising again.

carl and I had a boring new years with sam, gabi and lucas, but we didnt mind it. his dad called him when the ball dropped and asked to talk to me. "happy new year, daughter! I know it'll be a good one because you're in it! I love you! here's becky." he put carl's mom on. "hi, kate! what is carl doing? I love you so much! I hope you have a great new year! come see me tomorrow, I am making hams!"

his mama always loves on me and I adore her, but his dad and I hadnt quite reached that point yet. it really meant a lot to me, hearing him say that.

this past christmas, I got carl a guitar and he got me a gooorgeous envelope necklace. I cant wear it until the tattoo on my neck heals though. carl calls them "herpy women". I think they are very beautiful.

here's to the new year!

ohlies @ 2009-12-14T11:13:00

2009-12-14T16:13:13Z

it really breaks my heart that I cant trust you now. that stupid "I cant feel my legs" tantrum did not make me any more inclined to forgive you.

ohlies @ 2009-12-14T01:00:00

2009-12-14T06:00:41Z

I used to care only about instant gratification and working to make money. I didnt care about finding anything real with someone and had a hard time keeping company with people who got too attached to me. now a good, gentle man knows all my secrets and pulls me into him while he sleeps, a sign that tells me he loves me genuinely. I am going to school and working less than I ever have before. I feel as though I'm on a good path and that if I just have the strength to follow it, it will take me where I want to go. but at the same time, I'm always afraid. I'm mean to him. I miss sleeping with other men. I'm scared of how much I need him around me all the time, I can hardly even drive alone. how much I love him makes me nervous. I'm afraid of not making it in school. I never have. I've always needed so much help. I am always thinking about dropping out and getting another job. its what I'm used to. I miss being used to things. being used to not calling men back, to doing drugs, to working like I had no ambition to be something better. I'm afraid that even though I want to stay and love and learn with this man who loves me, and make it through school all on my own for once, that the old me is stronger than the me I am now and want to be, and will break through this delicate bridge to something better that I am trying so hard to make. will she undo everything I've done? will she turn me back around to go back in the direction I've come from? have I got enough in me right now to wall her in and keep her away until I can convince her that I know whats best?
I feel her fighting me all the time and its so hard to win those little battles. I've been okay so far, will I last?

ohlies @ 2009-12-07T15:54:00

2009-12-07T20:54:26Z

earlier, I remembered laying down in the back of an ambulance when I was 7 or 8. it was dark and cold, my body felt tied down but there was only a blanket on me. I could feel us driving over the bridge, out the foggy back of windows I could see blurry red and white lights combing past like christmas lights. I couldnt remember how I got there or where my mom was, nobody was speaking around me and I dont remember if anyone was there with me. I remember the dizzy, disoriented feeling that I was dying and that I was being taken to the hospital, where I spent most of my time. my fingernails were blue. it was snowing. I wondered if I was dreaming. my breath was so short and I remember wondering if I should be scared or comforted, wondering if I would see my dog sadie was going to have anyone to play with when I was gone. I'd spent three weeks in the hospital just a few weeks ago. I couldnt get up to pee with all the tubes stuck in me following me under the door. I remember having to decide if I wanted to pee or throw up, and which one I'd feel less bad about someone cleaning up for me. I remember oxygen tents and how they felt like spaceships, and how my mom's crying face through the plastic looked like a mask.

I am glad I dont remember very much. it feels like a dream.

ohlies @ 2009-07-13T22:34:00

2009-07-14T03:38:43Z

carl got moved into his apartment today. I'm going over there to see it later, and probably spend the night. I'm happy for him.

I start school in early september for certain now, everything is paid and all I need to do is find my diploma for their records. I'm nervous and excited.

I've been thinking about asking gabby if she'd get an apartment with me. like, ever. I'm definitely not financially stable enough right now to split rent with anyone, especially not her, since she has kind of expensive tastes when it comes to living situations. but I know she's trying to save money from now on and stop getting such big places, and I really do like being around her enough that I think we'd get along sharing a place. she's smart and I appreciate that. I'm just not sure if she thinks I'm smart, too. I might ask her when things start rolling with me, when I know whether or not I'll even be able to work, go to school and pay rent all at the same time. I'd rather not live with my dad until school's over next august, because that would really suck, but if its what I have to do, then.. well. ):

ohlies @ 2009-07-06T23:07:00

2009-07-07T04:14:02Z

as of the 5th, this past sunday, carl and I have been dating for six months. thats pretty cool. its not forced at all. I really, genuinely love him.

in other news, a hot piece of ass came through the drive-thru at baby greens last friday and saturday, and he was all smiles and stares both times. I checked out his name from his credit card receipt: thomas shook! I mean duh I wouldnt hit it, I respect carl, but oh man.
and then today april shows me the austin chronicle classifieds, where there's a section called "a shot in the dark". there was an ad in it that said:

I was one of three girls who worked that day! so it could have been any of us. but I have my suspicions.

ohlies @ 2009-04-07T22:41:00

2009-04-08T03:44:43Z

first day of work was today. it was nice. my feet hurt. the place is called Baby Greens ( http://www.ilovesalads.com/ ). the pay isnt great but its a job. I hope this means I can make it to ireland. I'm getting sick and it really sucks. I "bought" a pretty plum purple cardigan yesterday and it makes me feel like my mother when she was younger.

I did two lines of coke a few days ago. the first one was really nice and made me want more, but the second line was so awful that I changed my mind. my nose is still fucked up. I actually think its what made me sick, if thats possible.

I miss my pillow.
sometimes it surprises me how much I need it when I try to sleep at night on anything else.

ohlies @ 2009-03-26T03:45:00

2009-03-26T08:54:05Z

gabby wants me to go with her to ireland in early august for two weeks. round trip tickets are like $620, which is so dirt cheap for that kind of travel, and she wants me to go so badly that she's offered to pay for the homestay and general expenses (food, alcohol, etc.) because she knows I'm in a tight spot and owe everyone money left and right. it is such an amazing opportunity, and even though I'd like to be positive and hope for the best, I am doubtful. passports are like $100 and they take a few months to arrive, I'd have to buy the ticket within the next few months if it was going to stay that cheap, and I still havent found a job despite how furiously I've been looking. I owe aaron rent money, even if it isnt a lot. I paid my ticket with the money I got from selling a couch, but I still owe my pops insurance money, phone money, $220 a month for car payment, etc etc etc.

there's really no way, haha. typing all that out sort of made that all the more obvious.

I'm really disappointed, its such an unbelievable opportunityyy I cant even express that enough. I mean, cheap international round-trip ticket AND she'd pay for all my shit once we got there? when would it ever get that good again?

I need to stop thinking about it. typing this entry was a terrible idea. when I started just like a few minutes ago, I was all giddy and hopeful. now I am just sort of extremely bummed the fuck out.

time for bed.

ohlies @ 2009-03-16T23:36:00

2009-03-17T05:36:50Z

I've been seeing carl a lot. I've stopped seeing big chris entirely because he was turning into a stalker creep. I punched eric (jenna's ex-roommate) in the face after not seeing him for over a year. rick's been trying to see me but I'm never in the mood.

carl and I joke about having kids when we get older but its really only half joking. he knows I want a girl and a boy, and we've spent a few late nights arguing playfully in bed about it. he tries to convince me that I will have two boys and one girl, so that the oldest boy will watch over the younger two, and that we will name him carl jr. to keep the theme going (he's the second or third carl jr. in his family). I tell him that the girl will come first and be the protective oldest, and that I only want two because three is just insane. jenna says she can see us being together for a long time, and all of my friends like him a lot. but I know how I am, and even if I'd like to say that I will keep him around to the point where having kids would be a serious conversation, I dont trust myself to actually do it. I can see myself wanting other people, wanting more, getting exhausted of him for whatever reason that I cant foresee yet. I dont know. I disappoint myself in that way.

all I know is that I really like holding his hand for now. I hope that doesnt change because I wouldnt mind some sort of constant variable in my life. but if it does, its okay. I am the designated heartbreaker anyway, what's one more notch on my belt? :(

ohlies @ 2009-02-22T17:02:00

2009-02-22T23:02:47Z

"The sun was shining in my eyes, and I could barely see
To do the necessary task that was allotted me.
Resentment of the vivid glow, I started to complain--
When all at once upon the air I heard the blindman's cane."
-Earl Musselman

ohlies @ 2009-02-22T16:51:00

2009-02-22T22:54:57Z

wow!
I'm really going to go to college.
I guess I'd just been sort of thinking it probably wasnt going to happen but was trying to stay moderately positive anyway. but seriously, its in the cards for me.

now if god would just see fit to send me a JOB, I'd be set!

ohlies @ 2009-02-19T23:52:00

2009-02-20T05:52:06Z

the tattoo(s) came out great.
i really want a job.

ohlies @ 2009-02-14T03:44:00

2009-02-14T09:46:07Z

as of this past thursday, I'm on 23.

ohlies @ 2009-02-10T21:54:00

2009-02-11T03:55:31Z

I got a speeding ticket for $305 this morning.
still havent found a job.

blah blah blah blah.

ohlies @ 2009-02-06T18:42:00

2009-02-07T00:58:36Z

my flower shop isnt going to hire me back.
finding that out seriously broke my heart.

my tattoo appointment got cancelled the same day. that was rough. I'd been really looking forward to it. I probably wont have the money anymore by the time they can reschedule me.

I miss my fucking pillow, I cant sleep at night without it. I'm always exhausted and irritable because it isnt with me. I want that button-up shirt and those jeans I left in the duplex because nothing else I wear makes me feel good.

I havent seen anyone but jenna, nikki, big chris and cole. mostly nikki. she doesnt pressure me and that is so comforting. nobody else feels like they exist. I've seriously been avoiding jenna even though I know she needs me. she just needs me so much and all the time and ugh! UGH! I cant do that! I love her and want to make her happy but I cant keep just sitting on that stupid couch with her, watching her chain smoke and play super smash brothers all day long every single day. I hate it.

I feel like I've been running on empty since I got back to austin and it really sucks.
where is my mojo? will things just fall into place, please?

ohlies @ 2009-02-04T01:54:00

2009-02-04T08:00:31Z

there is something very tender and grounding
in the way that the bed cups around me
when I am laying alone
and wanting company.

ohlies @ 2009-02-04T01:27:00

2009-02-04T07:44:11Z

I've been so busy.
I stay out all day and all night, get a few hours of sleep from someone's couch and then wake up and do it all over again. this is maybe the second night I've stayed in my own bed since I got here. been checking internet for jobs, its looking pretty grim. calling my florist again tomorrow since I keep missing jessica by like an hour (she has the most ridiculous hours). I could just go in and talk to them in person, but oh man, that makes me so nervous! I dont know why. it'd be so awkward. I know they dont love me nearly as much as I love them! its awful.

furniture is kind of setting itself up in my tiny room. it all looks really nice against the tan walls that had to be painted after I moved a few times ago (I used a lot of sticky star gunk and tape on the walls and made them icky), even though I have to sort of hurdle over boxes that obscure any possible paths to the bed, closet or desk. clothes are piled everywhere. I miss my pillow so bad that I get immediately depressed whenever I lay on this other crappy one I have. I am tired of wearing the same pants days in a row but I left my other pair in joplin too. the sheets I have are ugly and super goofy. I dont know. whatever. I really want to be making money. I have managed to keep the $50 I made off of cole's assisted deals, somehow accumulated an additional $15 although I dont remember how, and I've managed to keep from spending any money at all even though I keep going out places with people. I feel bad for acting like I have no money when I have $65 in my wallet, but I just really dont want to blow through it. I am spending $30 on a tattoo on thursday, but I dont feel bad about that at all, since I sort of feel like I totally deserve to buy at least one thing for myself that is worthwhile.

I painted my toenails a really pretty light gold with reddish-pink undertones in it and I like it a lot.

ohlies @ 2009-01-29T00:43:00

2009-01-29T06:59:12Z

I daydream a lot about being a single mom. I'm not sure how normal that is.
I'm not talking like teen mom welfare food stamps stuff.
I'm talking like
I'm in my early/mid-30's
I've got a full-time casual job or I'm in the early bloom of my first business, whatever it may be
I am finally patient enough and can support myself and a child alone
I find an attractive man with many of the qualities I would like for my child to share with my own and have a child with him but do not keep in contact, whether I tell him or not that I used him to have a baby
I raise them alone
several friends play large parts in mentoring my little charlie (or would salvador come first?), men and women alike
but I am their parent
their mother and their father
our bond is infinite and without compromise
I take all of the good
and all of the bad
there is no husband or dad to decide things with
no classic or broken ideals of the normal, modern family
just me
and her
(or him).

it is nice to think about and I wonder if I will ever get to the stage where I could logically do that.
or if maybe my nagging, muffled little feeling that I cant have children
is true
and that I will never have tomboy charlie or studious salvador.

letting myself think about that for too long makes my chest feel like its collapsing in on itself.

ohlies @ 2009-01-27T02:56:00

2009-01-27T08:59:00Z

I sold $215 worth of adderall for cole in 10 minutes through text messages at like 2:30 this morning. he's going to give me $50 out of it when he brings up the batch from san antonio on friday. it was abruptly exciting to know I'd made money just then (since its been so long!), but then just as suddenly depressing when I realized that it will probably just go to gas or something mundane like that.
sigh.

ohlies @ 2009-01-26T14:34:00

2009-01-26T23:50:03Z

he watched my dad and I pack everything up that last day. I didnt know what to say so I didnt say much at all. I avoided his eyes but I felt them asking for mine whenever I'd walk by where he stood awkwardly in the hall. I felt a little pinch of anger that he hadnt gone to work like he'd said he was going to, like I wouldnt have to feel guilty if he'd just done what he'd said he would. it was dumb. as all the boxes started centering in the living room and all the furniture started coming apart or clustering into a corner, I realized how empty the house was going to be. I'd known it before but with everything taken down and put up, the walls looked bigger than ever. the warm colors we'd painted them didnt make them any less lonely. I felt like the grim reaper, sucking all the life out of what had been our home and taking it with me, leaving the husk behind. the three of us had a cigarette on the porch and then my dad excused himself quietly to go do something else to give us a minute alone. we hugged for a while but not as long as I felt like I owed him. dad went to go wait in his truck and I stood with aaron in the empty dining room, the empty shelves and the dirty floor holding more of my attention than I would've liked. it was hard to turn away from him. I knew I had to leave and I wanted to get it over with, just rip the scab off instead of picking at it, but it was hard. he cried a lot more than me again. his arms were tight. I could feel his shoulders shaking. he followed me out to the car and I felt like putting the driver's side door between us was the hardest thing I've done in my life yet. the way sound dulled and I couldnt feel the wind anymore made it seem like I was already gone. I tried not to look at him as I drove away.

it wasnt until we were coming off the highway into norman, oklahoma to stay at my grandparent's house for the night that I started feeling sick. random parts of every song on my ipod made my eyes burn, but I couldnt cry. my hands ached from the cold and the steering wheel. I laughed at their old people jokes through dinner and then went to the second guest room as soon as I'd put all the dishes in the sink. seeing the full sink made me feel bad. it reminded me of how I hadnt done the dishes one last time before I left like I'd wanted to. I laid in bed and called him even though I wasnt sure if I was supposed to or not. I wanted to. I wondered if he wanted me to. I cant even remember what we talked about now. he told me about how he'd locked all the keys in the house, stayed an hour outside in the cold only to find that the landlord didnt have a spare key, so he broke the window in the bedroom to get in and cut his finger. I really dont remember anything else we said. apparently my mother had talked to him and said I was too young, too immature to have him yet. I knew that was true. we hung up. I called mom. I told her I'd forgotten the door mirror, the sheets for the bed, some clothes, my phone charger, and of all things, my pillow. as soon as I said the last one, I started crying. I was upset about everything, not just the pillow. I dont know. I cant even explain the pillow thing. I've had it since I was less than a year old. it's never left my bed. I take it everywhere with me if I'm staying for more than a few days. my dad tried to buy it off me for $100 when I was 13 just so he could throw it away, and even though that seemed like a million dollars at the time, I said no. my mom threw it out in the trash can once. I went and fished it back out. its been sewn up so many times from a destroyed but crucial pillow case that it looks like it has varicose veins, and the pillow itself is more like giant, lumpy wads sewn inside the dark brown-grey bag. if I do ever have to wash it these days, I have to lay it in the bottom of the tub, fill the tub with hot water and detergent, and squish it gently with my fingers. the water always turns a solid grey, and it takes about five or six full rinses to get the water to strain mostly clear. its so much trouble that I dont wash it much. I dont know why I'm explaining this. I guess I just really miss my pillow.
when I hung up with mom after we clucked about nothing in particular for a while, I tried to go to sleep. I changed into his pajama pants that he let me have (I love them) and laid on those uncomfortable, deflating pillows with my book. my eyes hurt and I wanted to close them but the book was getting good. I stopped at the next chapter and made myself close it. from the silence outside my door, I could tell everyone else had gone to bed too. but when I turned off my lamp and rolled over to finally sleep, I found that I'd instinctively scooted over as far as I could to the right. aaron preferred the left side. the bed was actually a pull-out sofa that I remembered from when I was a pre-teen. I pulled my legs up, hugged the ridiculous pillows, rotated in gradual but full circles a few times. I couldnt get comfortable. that fact got more depressing as I laid awake with my eyes as wide as I feel like they could ever be, trying to focus on anything at all in the pitch black. before I felt the stingy eyes I felt the tight chest, the folding stomach, the bowing shoulders. it felt like I was crying so hard I couldnt breathe, but there werent enough tears to match. I tried to force them out to get it over with but it didnt work. my chest stayed tight for another half hour or so. I didnt know what to do. my phone had died. I couldnt remember aaron's number. it took a long time before I decided to try to turn it on again. the screen would give me its start-up and then die. I tried it maybe four times, squeezing my phone so hard that it was creaking. finally, it flickered on. I tipped over some of my grandma's knitting shit scrambling for a pen. I scribbled his number into the back of my book (that he bought me). I stumbled through the dark of the house into the kitchen to get the phone, turned on the light in the laundry room and sat on the dryer while I dialed his number. I shouldnt have called him. it probably cost my grandparents a pretty penny. I managed to hold off on the crying until I asked him what he was doing, and then it exploded. I was a mess. I had no business sobbing to him after what I'd just done but I couldnt help it. I felt retarded. I dont remember anything that I said, only that we talked or listened to eachother sniffle for half an hour before I finally got off the phone. I didnt feel any better, but I was so tired from crying that I fell asleep as soon as I got back into bed.
dad woke me up at 6:30am. I had a bowl of cereal and we hit the road. it was freezing outside and raining a little bit, a bad combination. we passed 6 fresh wrecks of overturned, smashed and backwards cars in 40 miles, and when the trailer swerved wildly a few times behind dad's truck, we finally pulled off and got a room at a day's inn. the weather is supposed to be bad tomorrow too, but if its any better than today was, we'll get to austin tomorrow.

I tried to explain why I felt like I should have met aaron later in my life to sanji and for the first time that I can remember, I was met with something like mean, biased rigidity. stiff pretending to understand with bitter and unpleasant undertones. it was disappointing but I guess I expect him to keep a nonpartisan position too often. I dont know.

ohlies @ 2009-01-23T17:11:00

2009-01-23T23:11:59Z

man, how cool would it be to be a massage therapist?
hum hum hum.

ohlies @ 2009-01-23T14:34:00

2009-01-23T20:34:43Z

ohlies @ 2009-01-23T00:48:00

2009-01-23T06:56:55Z

I am excited about little things! I actually find that it is a lot nicer than being excited about big things, though I'm not sure why. I am excited about whitening my teeth and getting a tan and playing tennis with carrie. none of my friends would ever play tennis with me and it always bummed me out, so even though she lives all the way in round rock, I am still looking forward to it a lot. I've decided that if my florist doesnt hire me back full time that I'll look into getting some kind of certificate to get a better-paying job, and even though I swore I'd never do that simply because I am stubborn and so solid about doing only what I am passionate about, I think that I am excited about both of those options too. I would be happy working for my florist again and pursuing what I love even though I'd be making really shitty money, but I can see where a better job doing something a little boring could possibly take me in the future and that is nice too. I'm excited about not pigging out as much because I wont be home all day long once I am back in austin. I'm excited about going to all those new coffee shops I found on google maps with sam, gabby, wes, will, lucas and all of their ridiculous friends. I am excited about being around immature and goofy people again because I miss feeling like it was okay to be immature and goofy sometimes, while still making good decisions (most of the time).

I d'no. I am just excited in general. when I type, the table shakes and all the glass stuff I havent packed yet is clinking together and making a little symphony for me! thank you, god. that is nice of you.

soooo true.

2009-01-23T03:42:50Z

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Bette!

You are a Bette -- "I must be strong"

Bettes are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

* Stand up for yourself... and me.

* Be confident, strong, and direct.

* Don't gossip about me or betray my trust.

* Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.

* Give me space to be alone.

* Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don't flatter me.

* I often speak in an assertive way. Don't automatically assume it's a personal attack.

* When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that's just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a Bette

* being independent and self-reliant

* being able to take charge and meet challenges head on

* being courageous, straightforward, and honest

* getting all the enjoyment I can out of life

* supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me

* upholding just causes

What's Hard About Being a Bette

* overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don't intend to

* being restless and impatient with others' incompetence

* sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it

* never forgetting injuries or injustices

* putting too much pressure on myself

* getting high blood pressure when people don't obey the rules or when things don't go right

Bettes as Children Often

* are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit

* are sometimes loners

* seize control so they won't be controlled

* figure out others' weaknesses

* attack verbally or physically when provoked

* take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Bettes as Parents

* are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted

* are sometimes overprotective

* can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

ohlies @ 2009-01-21T17:02:00

2009-01-21T23:02:20Z

If you've never been thrilled to the very edges of your soul by a flower in spring bloom, maybe your soul has never been in bloom. ~Audra Foveo

All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today.
- Indian Proverb